Friday, January 2, 2009

An Open Letter to Fred Nile.

New South Wales politician Fred Nile has been feeling a little neglected of late so has decided to stir things up by calling for a ban on topless bathing (supposedly for the sake of Muslims and Asians that want to go to the beach, which is a little hypocritical considering some of his statements about Mulims in the past), I wish I could claim credit for the following letter but credit where credit is due my old mate Drunkwombat is responsible for the following (reprinted with permission - Thanks DW):

A letter to Reverend Fred Nile MLC

G’day Fred, me ol’ China!

Haven’t heard from you for ages! I thought you’d dropped off the perch when you were trying to get the Dykes on Bikes off the road because they were a traffic hazard! Times flies when you’re having fun eh?

So it was of great surprise to hear you trying to protect the muslims and the asians from the sheer terror of women topless sunbathing at Bondi Beach. I know it must be hard for them to deal with all that ‘uncovered meat’ as they so eloquently put it. I mean, how does a man have the will and fortitude to walk past a half naked woman on a beach and NOT rape her? The male adult population of this fine land seem to be able to saunter by without barely a glance (well, maybe just a little one!) with no problems at all, but ever considerate busybodies like yourself insist on knowing whats good for the rest of us.

The women folk who choose to sunbathe topless are obviously comfortable with the situation, other wise they wouldn’t do it. Right? Tan lines are far worse, obviously, than being perved on.

So, Freddy, what’s bothering you? Really? Get right down to it.I know; you were walking around Kirribilli House and found John Howard’s old DOG WHISTLE, didn’t you? After giving it a few little peeps, you thought you’d try and stick it to all those liberal minded, free thinking left wing pinkos. I can imagine your little internal dialogue now “Oh yes, when the perverts say they don’t want topless sunbathing banned I’ll cunningly reply that you are a bunch of Cronulla type beach racists and then they’ll be stuffed! Hooray for me !!!”

Sorry Fred, me old mate. A decade of Howardism has left us with finely tuned ears for this kind of wedge politics. At least ol Johnny could get away with it on occasion. You, you old git, can’t It must be hard these days, being a man of the cloth. Hard to get a crowd of paying punters for your Sunday morning magic show and sing along. But when people evolve and develop the ability to think for themselves and not feel guilty about everyday activities, getting up early on a Sunday for a dose of scaremongering just didn’t cut it anymore. Especially when you’re coming down of a gut full of rum and disco biscuits.

So Fred, chill the fuck out okay! Get them Christians that are your supporters and go do something genuinely good, like help poor and sick people (which, if you read the fine print is ‘company policy’ for you God botherer types) If Allah don’t surf, that’s his problem. I wouldn’t go to Riyadh and demand I can run around with no pants, because I would respect the local customs (and they’d probably shoot me). C’mon Fred, put your feet up. CHILLAX MAN!

Yours SincerelyTim (aka Drunkwombat)Dungog

PS-If I’ve offended you, do the Christian thing: Forgive me.


Leigh said...

Another piece of brilliance.
I expect no less from you, of course.

"Greatness in a man is not measured by the number of blog comments he gathers"
- Skeeter Grimshaw, 2001

Spottedquoll said...

I'm presuming you're referring to Mr D. Wombat esq?

Good ol' Skeeter!